"April Fools"

Warning, bad words ahead. If you're sensitive to them, don't read them.

I'm using this blog as a general announcement about the "annual April Fools" joke. And I'm going to put this as simply as I can.

There isn't going to be one from me this year.

Now a lot of you are expecting this to be a setup, or expecting me to come out with something big for it, or possibly even do some setups in the coming days to make it seem more real. But sorry folks, there simply isn't a joke this year.

And, why not? Simple. It's not fun anymore.

I started in 1996 or so posting a joke on R.S.P. I created a paintgun that was just too fantastic to be real, but believable enough to be plausible. Basically I preyed upon the paintball world believing anything it's told, and they didn't disappoint. Everyone had a good laugh at themselves, and life went on.

The joke evolved over the years, including letting Smart Parts buy me out or making my own field or the NPPL starting in with random drug testing. But over the last ten years, it stopped being fun and started being a lot of work for no payoff. The payoff being a lot of people getting a good laugh and getting other people to fall for the joke too.

Last year's joke was pretty much what killed it for me. I posted in a few places that I was opening a field in Illinois. I spent a week finding the best pictures and creating a fictitious field, including descriptions and so on. I post it.

Not more than 5 minutes later there was already a post "FAKE! YOU SUCK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" There's no way they could have even gone to the site and looked over the pics, they just decided to kill the joke. Later the people that all jumped on the first page screaming "FAKE!" edited their posts after they figured out how pissed off I was that they did so, but the damage was already done. They already ruined the gag for the other people who may have read the first post.

And what for? It's an ego thing, a virtual dick stroking if you will. Instead of enjoying the joke, or playing along, everyone wants to be the first guy to say "YOU DIDN'T FOOL ME! U SUK! I ROCK! FUCK YOU!" Either that or they fell for it, and they're so pissed off that they feel like they have to take revenge rather than laugh at themselves. It's selfish, and honestly it sucks. It's throwing house paint on a Monet or a wrench at a stained glass window. It's destroying something that someone worked very hard on so you can have the quick thrill of feeling superior and destroying it for anyone else who might have enjoyed it.

My response? To put it bluntly, fuck you.

It's not worth making another April fools gag this year because I'm not in the mood to put in 5-10 hours of work to have someone in the first 5 minutes post "FAKE" or "APRIL FUCKING FOOLS!" or "TYGER U SUK! I KNEW IT WAS FAKE! DON'T BELIEVE IT!" That's not fun to me. It's about as much fun as using an aluminum pipe to hit myself in the head dozens of times at high velocity. If you want to make a joke, go for it. But you're not getting one out of me this year.

You can believe me, or not. I really don't give a fuck.

Woodsball Stereotypes

A long time ago I released the "speedball stereotypes" piece on the blog. And ever since then it's been something people read and flame the hell out of me for. "You're bashing speedballers!" No, I'm just pointing out what you look like and poking fun at you. But one thing I've noticed about paintball, and any "youth sport" for that matter, nobody has a sense of humor.

Oh they have one, just not at themselves. They'll make fun of you, your gear, your clothing, your car and possibly your state of origin. But when you flick a pea-sized joke about them they'll react like you threw boulders of insults at them. So to you all, get over yourselves.

So I'm going to see if it's just the "speedball kiddiez" that have no sense of humor, and give you...

Woodsballer Stereotypes

Granted, you get all kinds in the rec-ball game. And when you talk "woodsball" you're covering a LOT of ground from scenario to rec to milsimmers. So go with it and get out your salt blocks.

"IWBA2R" : "I wanna be an airborne ranger". And in this there's actually two types. The first is the gung-ho 15-17 year old kid who has no clue what the military is like outside of Hollywood. This is a guy who won't make it through boot, but damned if he doesn't want to do it. He's got every line of "Full Metal Jacket" memorized! The other is the guy who did boot, and was dropped because of something that was never his fault. Either way, this is the guy who wants the total package. He'd paint his face if he thought it'd help, and sometimes they do just to get "in the mood to kill". Often, however, this guy could be nicknamed a "grenade". When it all goes down and the pressure is on, he'll go to pieces so fast people in his bunker get hit with shrapnel.

"The old guy" : Every field has one. If you can't find him, it may be you. This is the guy who shows up regularly, 1-2 times a month. He's wearing the same BDU's he did the first time you saw him, and for that matter the first time anyone saw him. He's probably got an "old clunker" of a gun that he bought for +$500 new back in the day, and he plays a solid game. He should, he knows the field better than he knows his children's birthdays. His best role is cover-fire, because like hell he's gone try to out-sprint you to the front! Stick with this guy, he's probably got more than a few tricks he can show you. He probably also has the beer chillin' in the cooler hiding in the trunk too. Funny, this is also the guy who has the paper towels, the real towels, and a change of clothing. He's done this before.

"Teh Sniporz" : If the field lets them, they show up in their "ghillie suit". Even if they won't let him, he tries to sneak a few dozen leaves under his goggle band and if he's got time try to weave them into a "sniper veil". If he doesn't have a real suit made for him, he may have destroyed a perfectly good pair of BDU's to make what he called a "Ghillie". Twine tied to a ripped-up camo costume doesn't cut it. And neither did the sweatpants / sweatshirt he stapled strips of cloth he found in Mom's closet. If you still can't find him, look for the 3 foot long gun they "need" to longball (which doubles as a walking stick). Or look behind the base, he's hanging back to guard the flag. If they can actually shoot, they're useful. If not, they're basically a human speedbump.

"n00b mob" : This is never one person as much as it's a group. The Mob come to the field together. Mostly they're in sweats or jeans and long-sleeve t's (occasionally they bust out their "Hunting camo", if they hunt), and they have no clue what's going on. They never have enough people for their own private game, so they get thrown into the rec game like raw meat to lions. Off the field they stick around their cluster of vehicles, drink soda and choke down whatever the field sells for food and tell stories that usually start with "No shit, there I was...." On the field they seem to inherently know that "we need to stick together, at all costs!" How they fit 40 people behind a small tree, I'll never know. The best thing you can do for these people is take a game or two, and you quite possibly need to use the jaws of life to do this, and get them to spread out and move! You can actually pull them out of this stereotype!

"The Quiet Man" : There's always at least one. He doesn't talk much, he doesn't need to. The only reason you noticed him was that his gun is nothing you've ever seen before. It's either an exotic made in the mid 90's that he's used all his life, or it's a "franken-tippy" with parts he made himself or modified from other guns. On the field he's usually competent enough that he's not a hindrance, but he's not a standout help either. He's not a bad addition to the team, let him do his thing, and he'll help the overall cause.

"Milsim Guy" : I really don't like milsim myself. I can't justify spending money to make an otherwise light paintgun heavy with parts you don't need. Then again I'm weird and we all know this. But this guy goes all out. He's bought the "M-16" kit for his gun, then modded it with the clear plastic magazine "so you can see the bullets in there!" Sometimes he wears a replica kevlar helmet, most of the time he's somehow managed to modify a "ranger vest" to hold pods of paint. And what's with the spikes in the mask? "It's hardcore!" The good thing about "milsim guy" over "IWBA2R" is that the milsim guy actually knows the tactics. He's studied them. Over and over. But it's all book knowledge, not practical. On the rare occasion it's practical, it only works when the rest of his "fire squad" is with him.

"Vet" : This is a guy who's been there, done that, and has the holes in the t-shirt to prove it. He's not full of himself, he's just confident. They're not here to relive old experiences, but they know what to do when the "kimchi" gets thick. Back "in the day" mostly they were Vietnam era, but now you see a lot from the various Gulf conflicts. Most of the time this guy is the most laid back guy on the field. When you have had real bullets whizzing around your head paintballs are nothing. Sometimes they'll talk about being "in", sometimes they won't. Either way, this guy knows his stuff. Or they react to things in very un-paintball like ways. Like taking cover rather than charging down the gullet.

"5-Star" : He's wearing camo that somehow distinguishes him. Like "chocolate chips" or a weird "swahili pattern" or something bizarre. He knows EXACTLY what it takes to win on ANY given field. You don't even need to ask him. And right away, he's taking control of the team in the start area. Usually he speaks up right away and demands attention, and lays out the battle plan on how to win "this field". Most of the time, he's just laying out a battle plan that worked last week too. Sometimes, if you're lucky, they know what the hell they're talking about! Most of the time, they're just flapping their lips and making a lot of noise to look more important. On the rare occasion they're actually useful, LISTEN TO THEM. IF they say anything along the lines of "So you guys rush the side while I move with my guys the other way", ignore him. Or just shoot him yourself when the ref blows the horn. You'll be happier.

"CS / HALO Dude" : This is most of the people you meet. They're here to shoot paint, run around like headless chickens, and basically have a good time. They don't care about team tactics, they don't want to learn anything, and they certainly don't want you to be their buzzkill. They're playing "live counterstrike" or "live halo". They're just gonna run around the map and shoot anything that moves. Opponents, teammates, refs, wind-blown tree branches, it's all fair game. Oh, and the only thing that distinguishes these guys from the "Noob Mob"? They actually try to leave their goggles on most of the time and they know how the safety works. But don't be to upset if all you've got all "HALO" guys, it's probably what the other team has too.

"Lone Wolf" : He's a lot like the "Quiet Man", but he actually has the skills to be a standout player. Most of the time he floats from place to place on the field, and he'll help where he thinks he needs to help. And if he sees an opening he takes it if you're ready for it or not. Best way to handle this guy is to let him do his thing, because he can do it a lot better than you think. He really wants to win the game, he just doesn't trust you or anyone else to do the job that he knows needs to be done. He's also, in fact, most likely to shoot a "5-star" on "accident".

"Blister Pack" : They roll into the lot fresh from the S-mart (shop smart, shop s-mart!) with their brand new paintguns. You know they're new, they're throwing the wrapping away in the 50 gallon drums. They don't have a clue how it really works, they barely know how to put the rubber barrel plug into the muzzle. And they don't know it's in packing grease, not playing lubrication. First few games they're happy, until the mechanism seizes up and they're completely helpless on the field. It's not surprising most of them throw the gun away after a day or three of use. If they learned how to maintain their gun, they'd be a decent "CS Dude".

"Family" : I've been seeing this more and more over the years, and this is the stereotype I personally like to see. They come in the mini-van, and this is the family outing this week. Dad's been playing a while, Mom may play but most of the time she's hanging out by the van, and the kids are wired to play. Sometimes there's an Uncle or Aunt there too, but most of the time its just the core family. On the field, the kids stick to Dad's side as he tries to teach them about the game. Off the field they're still smiling, having a good time. And by the end of the day, the kids are passed out in the back of the van, and Mom and Dad are happy for the brief silence they get. If you're on the field, play nice around the kids. And don't light a kid up. It's not dad you have to worry about. Ever seen what a mother bear does to someone who injures her cub? Yeah.

"Tech-Head" : And I'll wrap up with this guy. He has the latest, and greatest, in gear. And some of it it made for paintball too! "Yeah, I got this laser range finder, mounted that on with the boom mike, then undermounted it on the pitkanny rails for the body I just bought. Cool huh? I'm trying to get the GPS to work on the retackle sight on my gun too! And the voice activated FRS radio is rockin!" He's got the best gear money can buy, this week. And he doesn’t really move up the field, the weight of all that gear keeps him from it. He'd be a decent player if he'd stop spending money on "ultrasonic mud removers" and just play.

There's more. And obviously I missed some in there. But, that about covers it.

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Counting Coup

Played indoor last night, had a grand 'ol time. But on the way home I had a thought. I'd go play with a coup stick if I thought the fields would let me.

Let me explain. The "Coup Stick" (pronounced "coo", BTW) is a straight stick, usually painted and ornamented. It's not very heavy, and it'd probably break if you tried to use it as a real self-defense weapon. The Souix tribe (and many other High Plains tribes) would use them as a way to gauge the bravery of the warriors. Killing an enemy from long range away? No coup. Going in with 2-1 odds and winning, no coup. Being the 1 in the 2-1 fight, coup. Charging headlong into a fight, and tapping someone with your coup stick then coming out without a scratch, major coup. It's a point of saying how much more skilled you are than your opponent, that you nudged them with a stick and let them live with that knowledge.

The Coup sticks were decorated, and each thing meant something. A feather meant you were the first to reach and touch an enemy. Various symbols meant different things, and you had to earn them all. And all of them were literal badges of honor.

So, to the point, right.

Last night I asked a player to surrender. Three times as he didn't hear me the first two. He was so lost in the "shoot shoot shoot" haze it never even registered that there was a guy 5 feet from him to his flank. I ended up shooting him because he looked like he was going to spin and try to shoot, but it's got me thinking. If I had faith in my teammates not to shoot me, I would have barrel tagged this guy. On a speedball field. The ref was completely blown away to begin with, as he said I was the SECOND person he'd ever seen ask for a surrender, ever. If I barrel tagged this guy, I wonder what he would have done.

I've seen a lot of players who are skilled at gunfighting but have no clue how to move up. They're content to sit in their bunkers, far away from the action, and throw volleys of paint downrange that's all but ineffective. They may rack up eliminations, sure, but I could build a robot to do the same thing they do and get the same "kill count". But they lack the stones, the guts, whatever you want to call it they just won't move up unless they know that they way is clear and easy.

Even last night, I saw a few great moves that required the cojones to walk up the middle of the field. If you did the right combination, the other team simply didn't see you coming up on them. I even told the other players, on both teams, of the move. They wouldn't do it. They wanted to make the first and easiest position they could, and at the longest range possible throw paint rather than keep moving up the field.

What happened to the bravery? What happened to the players who would take risks and try stupid things because they work in moderation? I believe the industry has done the game a disservice. By focusing on rates of fire and keeping players "in" they took the emphasis off of making moves. The events are designed to reward camping your first spot and shooting paint at 15/second. Some tournaments take points from your team if you get shot (from the 2007 NPPL scoring rules : 3 points per eliminated opponent, 1 point for every player on your team still in, 32 for first flag pull, 40 for a hang. 100 points total), so the message is to hang back and lob paint, and hope you get lucky.

All of this has trained players to simply throw paint, and doesn't reward any kind of gutsy move. It actually punishes players for making moves up the field, as the risk/reward is tipped to the "risk" side. Sure, you may get up the field, but if you don't your team is punished by a loss of points. You can argue that there's still gutsy plays to be had mid-game, but a lot of these players play the scoreboard, not the field. If you know your team needs a max, and you see an opening, you're probably not going to take it for fear of not qualifying by a point. And I've seen it happen too many times to count.

This mentality trickles down to to rec level, and players perceive that risk taking is bad. "I want to stay in! I want to be good!" The overwhelming attitude I get is that the win isn't as important as simply staying in the game longer. A lot of players could be so good if they just grew a pair and stopped playing the points! Last night, I watched players do long-range gunfights that frustrated me to no end simply because they could have won them if they just moved! I wanted to just shake some of these people and scream at them "Get out of that lame bunker, take a risk, and make something happen!" But they just didn't have it in them.

So I want to see if people will pick up the idea and run with it. I want to adapt counting coup for paintball. It's not just about making the killer move, it's about taking the risks and coming away without a scratch. It's not just "shooting faces", it's doing so in a way that other people stop playing and just stare in awe. It's not glory-hounding, it's displaying what you really can do. Is it egotistical or "in yer face" or inflammatory? Sure. Any time that you rub someone's nose in the fact that you're better they're not going to be happy. But it's time to bring back the bravery. It's time to get the game to collectively "grow a pair".

Part of counting coups is to tell the story of how it happened, or have the story told for you. We already do this with the brigade, stuff we post on here and videos that we either shoot ourselves or have a buddy shoot for us. As it's been said, "it aint bragging if you really did it". But the thing is that you really HAVE to do it, and have witnesses to the fact to back you up.

But I want to bring the coup stick to paintball. Ok sure, it's not "safe" to poke someone with a stick, and not everyone can be trusted with a blunt object on a paintball field, but I think that it'd be a start to making paintball interesting again. Reward people who take chances, give people a chance to actually act like athletes, not robots that just sling balls.

Paintball is a unique sport, it's the only one that I know of where the objective is to take opponents out of the game. What's to say we can't do it with style as well?

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© 2007 All Rights Reserved.