Speedball stereotypes

I originally posted this over on the Spec Ops forum. Someone asked about speedball and why people hate it. It's not a matter of hating it as much as I know going into it what's going to happen. I said it before, speedball is predictable. But instead of the field, let's talk about the people you meet.

When I go play, about 60% of the people there are pretty cool. They're just playing 'ball, and that's fine.

The other 40% think they're tournament players. Or more correctly, they think they can act like the worst you've seen tournament players act because they know they can get away with it. These are the guys screaming profanity, doing "wiper slides", overshooting people, and acting like morons. See FPS 5 to get my meaning here. These people will act "normal" if they think there's a possibility of getting something out of it, or if they know you're filming them. FPS 5 I saw a lot of people behaving VERY poorly, because they had no idea they would see themselves on the net later.

And out of those 40% you get specific stereotypes.

"I'm-Tha-Leader" Before the game they're telling you where to go, what to do, and they usually do so in order to put themselves in position to get a flag hang or more "kills". But he's more subtle than to just admit it. He's "trying to get the team a win". It's even more humorous when this person hasn't been alive longer than my paintgun has existed. Come to think of it, this is the stereotype player who's most likely to try to steal paint from my box.

"I'm-Tha-BESTEST" This is the guy who knows he's the best player in the building. Just ask him. He'll brag for hours about his gun, his jersey, his pants, where he's been, what he's done... but on the field he hugs a back bunker and screams profanity at someone while doing his best to ignore or hide a hit on his brand new "Halo". This guy is almost always the one who shoots a string and starts screaming stuff that the "TOS" won't let me replicate in print. And if you DO manage to shoot him, he'll talk for days about how he could have lit you up and how you got a lucky shot on his back like that. He's so much better than that, he let you get him. No, really, he did.

"I'm-Tha-PRO!" Every field has one. The guy who's been to "NPPL" and "PSP" events with his team, which qualifies him to denounce any product he doesn't use or isn't "sponsored" by. And by "sponsorship" I mean that this guy bought stuff with his team at about $10 under retail price direct from the company. Funny, they never tell you that their team has never made it past the first day of an event, but that doesn't matter. He's sponsored, he's on an "NPPL" team, and he'll be buying a new gun next year because the one he has now won't be "cool" enough next year.

"I'm-Tha-CHEAT" If they were small and yellow, I'd like this guy. But they're not. This is the kid who watches the videos to learn how to get rid of hits, and decides that doing this to walk-ons would be really cool. "They won't know." and if he gets caught he's full of excuses. "It's an old hit" "It's splatter" "It's not like it's a real game." You know what kid? When you graduate high school and get a McJob because you cheated on your SAT and can't hack it in college, I'm gonna laugh at you.

"I'm-tha-SHOOTIST" This is kinda like the "Bestest" player except this guy showed up with one goal in mind. He has $100 to burn and it's hard to get Cuban cigars. He wears the largest pod pack his body can, and usually has 9 pods and a full HALO with the fastest shooting gun he can find. This guy can actually be useful, providing that he can actually hit something more than the ground and walls. He shoots "lanes", which is a fancy term for putting 100 balls downfield.

"I'm-tha-GLORYHOUND" He's easy to spot. He's making the most noise before, and AFTER the game. He's like the "leader" except this guy doesn't hide the fact that he wants to be LaSoy Sauce. He's usually a front guy, and doesn't as much slide into the 50 as much as has a controlled collision with the planet. He also is fixated on "Bunkering foos", and will rub it in people's faces that he "Bunkered" them. Yeah, really hard to bunker that new guy who isn't sure how the safety of his rental gun works.

Edit add from "usagi_tetsu", which I'm putting in this because his descriprion is just too perfect :

"I'm-teh-AGG". This player will always have the utter edge of coolness in paintball. What's cool this month, a bathrobe, some bunny slippers and a kid's floaty with a duckhead on it? He's got 'em and swears that he couldn't play without having them. The latest marker, hopper, air tank, drop, etc., all can be found in his gear bag, which he could try to make money by letting the paintball rags take their cover shots from. And it does not matter what he used last month, whatever ain't cool is downright "stoopid" and won't do at all. Usually seen being transported around by Mommy, 'cause let's face it, she's the one doing all this heavy money dropping.

There's probably a lot more, but that'll do for now.

So how about woods stereotypes? I'll save that for another rant. Believe me, there's more than a few there too.

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