Airball. When does the hard part start?

I'm just gonna come right out and say it. I'm really loathing airball. Seriously, I'm really, honestly, hating it. It takes a lot for me to actively hate something. But you know what? I'm tired of the airball thing.

Ok, some back history. I remember when speedball was this new idea. I can show you pictures from Paintball Sports from 1990 and '91 of guys in woodland camo with Piranha Long barrels playing in a field of wooden pallets. I can remember when speedball fields were constructed out of pallets and were planted in the ground with painstaking care so the fields would be even. And I can even remember playing airball one of the first times and thinking "Well, it's not all bad."

Then I got to playing it everywhere. No, seriously. EVERYWHERE. Travel anywhere in the world, and the people want airball. I even traveled to EMR. They have some of the finest woods courses on the planet at EMR. I drove 12 hours straight to be there and play in their woods. And what did they all want to play?

Airball.

Boring, predictable, repetitive airball.

Pardon me, I could have done that at home. No, really, I can go to Walmart and BUY an airball field! $136 for three airball bunkers. Action Village has a 4 piece kit for $300. And if I do some diving around I could probably find a 5 man field for $5000 or so.

So why does everyone love airball? I think because it's so easy to master. No, really. It's a simple game. You're playing paintball on a postage stamp, there's no real sneaking around or hiding. And nobody talks or communicates outside of tournament practice, so you're basically playing a "real world" version of Halo or CS. It's like an OCD nightmare to spend a day at an indoor field with one airball course.

How predictable are airball fields? 5 on 5 games, basic stuff. Off the break it's 2-1-2. One guy makes a run for the sideline bunker that's always called a "snake" (even when it looks nothing like a snake, it's a snake. Oh it's a snake.) And depending on the layout he'll stop short or superman slide into it like he's seen in all the magazines. One guy runs for the "35" or "50" of the other side to play a dorito or cone or other bunker placed there. One guy takes each back corner bunker which is always the tallest on the field, and the last man is in the middle.

You sit in your respective spot shooting paint as fast as you can and trying to twitch faster than the other guy until someone gets hit. Then you run up your lane and "muppet mow" or "bunker foos" or "pwn noobs" or whatever term of the week you have for it. You don't play the angles; you play in a straight line. You don't run left to right outside the break, you play your lane. And heaven forbid you can't do that, I mean flanking to the side just is a horrifying thing to do.

The players, the game, the whole thing lacks any soul or imagination. It's the same thing over and over, because everyone knows very quickly what's going to happen. The few times I've had the pleasure of turning a field sideways on a team they've completely freaked out because they don't know what to do! They can't even fathom how to move more than one bunker left to right, let alone how to swing a field around.

Not that field designers have any imagination, or leeway in what they can do. These guys will make a field to event specs, and you can tell what the main goal of the event is to do. If the event is field paint only, you put low bunkers in the front and tall ones in each corner. You then also add medium-height ones in the middle back and sprinkled in the field. And add a snake. There's always a snake. Preferably near to where an audience site, they eat that stuff up.

What you have is a field designed to have paint shot on it. Movement is punished because there is nowhere to go and little cover once you get there. Except the snake, if you can somehow manage that move you can actually crawl a little.

Then you have the sponsored theme fields, like the "Spyder" field or the "JT" field. I remember one year Skyball put a big inflatable "ZAP" in the middle, standing up. It was probably the most useless bunker on the planet short of the Maginot line. Make sponsors happy, but the players shake their heads and say "WTF?"

Airball bunkers have done a few good things. Indoor fields can set up a course fast and easy now, and change up the course once in a while so the regulars have to relearn angles. You can set up a field in the middle of nowhere and play paintball, kinda like playing sandlot baseball or soccer. And I suppose that's not all bad.

But for the love of (insert deity here of your choosing) it's made the game boring. It's predictable. All people want is airball. I think it feeds a fantasy that they're actually professional players on a "real" paintball course. But playing world cup is like playing my local family fun center. I used to think it would be cool, because you could set up a field just like one at a tournament, practice the hell out of it, then be ready. Unfortunately for the game it's really done is remove any flavor from the events.

I go to the Poconos, and I want to play in the rhodies. I go to Florida, elephant grass. I go to Arizona, I want desert and gullies. I go to Wisconsin, first growth trees. Except now it's all airball. And it's all anyone wants to play. And there's no local flavor to the fields other than the drive to get there and possibly the language used at the fields. The game isn't as much standardized as much as it's sterilized.

It's like playing golf on the same course everywhere you go. If you fly to Hawaii to play golf, and you get a whole different experience than if you drive to your local public course. But what about sports like hockey or basketball? They have standard fields too, right? Well yes. But they're not all quite the same. Ask an old timer about the "dead spots" at Boston, or the "hard rims" in Chicago. Is there a reason baseball diamonds across the USA have different heights on their outfield walls? Yes, there is.

But here's the thing that gets me. Paintball wants so desperately to be an "xtreme sport". They're fighting tooth and nail to be an "xtreme" sport. But let's look at other sports in the "xtreme" category. Snowboarding. EVERY mountain is different. Skateboard street. EVERY street course is different. Halfpipe, you may have me here. But the difference between real "xtreme" sports and paintball is there is no "xtreme" sport with teams. NONE. Its individual athletes performing skills judged on technical merit and artistic impression, but that's another rant.

When they started developing the airball stuff they said they wanted to put the paintball skills into an arena to show people what they could do. So the snake was supposed to be a "low crawl" in the woods, the "cans" were trees, and so on. Over time, this has been lost. Now you have fields designed with dead spots that are unplayable filled with teams that are clueless performing a task that is mindless. It's nothing like the roots of the game, no matter how many "agg kiddiez" spend $30 on a vintage JT strap to wear with their Garanmals color-coded gear.

I can play airball with the big boys of e-guns using my SC Phantom because before getting to the field, I know what people will do. I can tell you who's going where, and what they're going to do. There's no mystery to me, because it's the same game as it was 4-8 years ago. Corners, snake, mid laydown. If you watch FPS 11 you'll SEE me hit the same pattern over and over, because there's nothing else I can really do! Corner, up the tape, angle and flank the guys planted in their starting bunkers. Shoot them about when I cross the 50, game over.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Airball is still a distraction. It's still just a way to kill time because there's so little skill in it. So why do we play it? The promise. "We'll be on TV! We'll get sponsorships from Coke and UPS! We'll get a LOT of money if we get out of the woods and play in the arenas! We'll have screaming crowds and babes!"

Arena football celebrated its 20th anniversary this year. They played their final game in Vegas in front of a sold-out crowd. By my estimation, world cup is 15 years old. It's been in the arena-only mode for the last 10. They are nowhere near what arena football was on its 10 year mark. Paintball wants the crowds. Paintball isn't getting the crowds. Paintball needs to change. A lot. And it would be SO simple to do, if people would stop playing the social game of paintball and play the sport instead.

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Cry Wolf, Cheaters in paintball

This was originally written in April of 2005 for a magazine piece. It was not published, and I got permission to repost it in the blogspace.

I'm writing this in a state of being torqued off. In fact, it's a state of being VERY torqued off. I went to go play this weekend, and if I may say so myself I was doing a VERY good job at maintaining the illusion that I know what I'm doing in a paintball game. In spite of my best efforts, I actually did rather well.

What really made me mad was the other team. Let's take something into perspective. Since my back surgery, I haven't been the speediest person on the planet. I'm still working on going from a "brisk walk" to a "spirited trot". So when I make it into a position at the front of the field in the woods, it's because I used every skill of stealth that I have in my arsenal. And after playing this game for a while, I can fake it for accurate shooting, knowing how to dodge paintballs, and in fact how to use cover to the highest degree.

But apparently, my opponents didn't quite see it that way. It wasn't the fact that a few of them kept playing after I shot them that bothered me. It's the fact that they whined at the ref staff so long and hard that "He must be cheating!" that I had my own private referee for several rounds. And he kept on telling the other team "No, he's clean." And "No, you're not hitting him." And even "Yes, he's chronied legal." Or my favorite, "Yes, he's obeying the rules."

Try to understand why this bothers me. I've always looked at the call of "Paint check" as a nice way to call me a possible cheater. "Ref, I shot him and he's not leaving. Go check him and tell the cheater to leave!" It's why I tell people to check themselves, because odds are they won't feel hopper shots and it's a courtesy to let them know that you got them. Naturally, even that's abused. "Check it!" is the call of choice for so many players, that nobody bothers to take it seriously. We may as well be crying "WOLF!" the whole game. Plus I've seen more players abuse the refs with paintchecks. They call out "Check that man behind the tree!" that they really don't know where the opponent is at. So the ref looks, and shows them where the opponent really is.

In this case the ref was trying to tell me that the other team wasn't calling me a cheater. But I fail to see how I misunderstood "Ref, check that man! I shot him! He's playing on! I know I shot him! I could not have missed him!" to mean "Gosh, mister referee sir, he's a nice guy and all but he's not aware I marked him." Perhaps I'm a little weird, but to me hearing an opponent scream obscenities at me because there is no way he could have missed me, and calling me a wiping SOB who'd sell his grandmother to win the game, does not translate in my mind to mean that they don't think I'm cheating.

But let me clue you in on a secret. And this isn't just when you play against me; it's when you play against everyone. It may not be that the other guy is, in fact, cheating. It may not be that he's wiping hits, playing on, shooting out of bounds, shooting hot, or in fact any of the hundreds of other styles of cheating. It may not be that he's doing some kind of referee tampering. It may not be that he's related to the field owner and so gets cut a lot of breaks. And it may not be that he's using an elecro-hybrid-megapaintslinger 5000 that has some kind of ramping technology that gives him some kind of illegal advantage.

No. It may, in fact, be that you suck.

It may be that the other guy is smart enough to know how to use cover better than you. In fact he might be using a few dozen branches in the woods to keep your paintballs at bay. It may be that he can shoot a paintball through a two inch hole, while falling backwards, and hit you on the run. It may be that he's actually skilled enough to longball you at that range that you never thought possible. It might actually be a case in which he knows more tricks than you will ever hope to conceive of and he's using all of them to stay in the game and shoot at you.

And it might, against all odds, be a case in which you don't know any other stunt than pulling the trigger 15 times a second. A lack of knowledge on your part does not constitute cheating on your opponent's part. And it might just be a case in which your opponent has not only done this before, but will continue to do it all day against you specifically to humble you.

So before you start to scream "CHEATER!" when someone plays against you, take a moment to think about it. They actually might be a very experienced player, and they might, in fact, be out playing you. It's not cheating; it's called "Skill". And if you insist on a ref watching him and him alone, consider that you're taking up resources on the field. By forcing a ref to watch one person, that's freeing up another player who may not be as honorable as the one you're demanding be watched like a hawk.

Not everyone cheats, in spite of what you may have heard.

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Ebay Auction for Old school stuff

Well, I know that D-Day is this weekend, but I'm in a bind and I need to raise money fast. SO, I'm selling some of the old school stuff I've had in storage. 3 day auctions, because I really need to turn this around VERY quickly.

All the gear is "ready to play" right now, and I'd use it myself if that gives an indication of quality. But, here they are.

EXC-68, working condition but used / played with
ICS "Wolven" vest, with some home-mods someone else put on.
JT "Stock Class" harness", probbaly made around 1989 or so.

Good luck, happy bidding.

Playing for "respect"

Playing for "respect". This was a phrase I heard a lot when I watched the ESPN games from the NPPL this year. "We're playing for respect." When you say that to me, or you say that about paintball and your game, you're telling me a lot more about you than you might think. Please, allow me the pleasure to explain it to you.

In the context of the ESPN games, the last few rounds didn't mean anything to the teams playing them. It was basically to fill up time and to round out the schedules so everyone played everyone. But the announcer kept on saying "They're playing for the respect. They're playing so that the other teams will respect them down the road." *ahem* BS! They're playing for the guaranteed airtime, and for the product placements that they promised sponsors.

Now if that were the only case, I'd let it drop. But you know what? It's not. I hear it a lot from the local tourney scene guys. "It's not about this or that, it's about the respect." And I always wonder. Exactly whose respect are you hoping to get when you're screaming profanity at the top of your lungs at another player screaming profanity at the top of his lungs. Usually they sound like two 4 year olds at the playground playing "Cops and Robbers" while screaming "I shot you first." The difference is that with kids it doesn't turn into chest thumping and an eventual display of how large you think your stones are.

So let me tell you what I hear. What it sounds like to me when someone tells me, or says within my earshot, "It's about getting respect."

#1: You have no respect for yourself, so you look for it in others. Sounds weak, but this is often the case. You probably didn't make the cut to varsity sports, so you tried the alternative ones. You found that either you couldn't hack it there either or you just didn't like the massive pain factor, so you found paintball. And in paintball, you're only judged initially by how you look. And anyone with money and a mouth can look and talk a big game. So it's easy to get "respect" bashing the walk-ons, they'll fawn all over you just like you want them too.

#2: You're not making any money at this game, even though you say you're sponsored out the ass. If you're playing for "respect", that means you're not getting anything else out of it. I'm reminded of other sports that play all for "respect", and the big one that comes to mind is "streetball" style basketball. They play for the respect of others because that's all they're going to get out of it.

By comparison, do you really think someone like "T.O." cares if you respect him? How about Kobe? Shaq? Do they really care if you respect them? No, because they're being PAID. If I was Ollie Lang, I wouldn't give a damn if you respected me because I'd have MONEY to prove that I've got game and you don't! So if you're playing for "respect", I know that your version of sponsorship is what the business world calls a "group deal". Meaning you got a discount because five guys all bought the same color jersey, but you spent the difference on the custom name and number on the back that will fall off before the end of the season.

#3: I know what kind of player you are, and honestly I hate you. It takes a lot for me to hate someone based solely on something they say, but the stereotype / mould that you're cut from is so predictable it's sickening.

"I play for the respect" you say to me while wearing your 2X oversized clownsuit with pride. You even got it either brand new or as a beaten handout from some other joe who's new sponsor doesn't like the brand name. Sometimes, you even have a clue to wear the same color jersey and pants, but often it's a yellow jersey with blue pants and white-framed goggles, like you lost a bet or got dressed in the dark.

In the staging area you have at least two guns in your cavernous and oversized gearbag. The first one is your "POS" gun, and doesn't work well if at all. The other one is "only until I can afford a (insert gun of the month here)". When someone pulls a gun out of their gearbag you've got nothing but questions. What kind of barrel? What kind of reg? What kind of gun? What kind of airsystem? What kind of board? Instead of looking at the gun and knowing you have to ask. I'll spot you the internals, but you can't read a regulator and know it's "Centerflag"?

Then there's the 20-30 minutes of primping and strutting in the staging area. You want to show off your gun, how much you spent on it. You want to impress me with your gear, and how much "awesomer" it is than mine or anyone elses on the planet. You may even think you're an airsmith because you put the "Lo pressure kit" in it yourself. It's an "upped" gun, because you added a drop forward and a new grip panel. You'll talk ALL about your gun, except to mention how you play with it.

Then we actually get on the field. You take forever to chrony, because you never bothered to before we got to the field. We're waiting for you while you're trying to get that 1 more FPS, like it means something. Then we split sides. "I want to play with my guys", even when it means you play 5 renters with 5 "pimped gats". All the better, so you can mash them and get that respect you want. But this brings me to the next point.

4: You're going to play with a chip on your shoulder. You're playing for "respect", so you're going to play the game with that as your goal. You're not just going to shoot someone; you're going to hose them. If you get one lucky break, that's good. You'll actually stop shooting them if you can get it through your head that a gun in the air means "I AM OUT". Then post game you're gonna rub their nose in it, that your "1337 sk!llz" were how you "killed" them. In reality you emptied a hopper and got lucky when you broke a ball in your barrel which made one ball whip wildly around the bunker and hit him in a pure luck moment. But who's going to shatter your delusions of adequacy?

Odds are you have no problem with wiping, and the only thing that will stop you is the threat of being shown to be a "wiper". Even then, you'll argue on the internet later that it was "splatter" and the refs sucked and had it in for you. And besides, he must have wiped too so you're justified.

But you're going to push the rules. You're going to break the rules. You're going to either buddy up with the referees or intimidate them to get them to make "good calls" go your way. As long as you're winning, you're happy. You start losing, and the beast comes out to play. Unless you've been "pwned" by someone who is playing paintball on a whole other level, in which case you'll take your lumps like a kicked puppy and try not to show your tail between your legs.

5: You're here for the social club, not the sport.

Tom Kaye actually put it best:

Everyone has to stop thinking of paintball as a "sport" since that would mean it was a test of skill. Paintball is a lifestyle in which you have the illusion of competition. Everyone uses the same gun and the same strategy in tournaments because they want to be like everyone else. If it was really about competing, you would see different stuff from different teams trying to figure out the best way to win. To be different in tourney ball is to be embarrassed, that’s not competition, that’s a club.

He said that November of 2004. And it still holds true.

6: You will suck up to anyone you can that seems like they're good, and try to associate yourself with them in all situations. Seen it plenty of times, the local good player has these "fanboys" hanging off him, who all try to say they're his best friend. They physically surround his gear bag and try to be seen with him, even if it's just in the same 10 foot radius circle.

And finally, 7: When you say you're playing for "respect", you're also telling me that you buy into the bullshit of online cliques and you'll do what it takes to be accepted. Usually it requires spending money. And most of your game is about spending money on clothing, or a particular gun, or a particular accessory to gain just that much more respect. If you want to be in a fashion show, move to Milan or Paris. Spare me the prima donna look, ok? If it'll make you feel better we'll put spotlights, bad techno and a runway down each tapeline so you can strut your stuff properly, ok?

Let me say this publicly. I couldn't care less if you "respect" me. As a flame someone told me that the "industry" never took me seriously so I couldn't get sponsorship. You know what? I really don't give a fuck. Players tell me they don't respect me because I wear ears and a tail, or because I whine too much, or I don't play tourneys or I don't do enough free video shows for them. Guess what. I don't care about them either.

I don't play for them. I play for me. I don't play to be part of the "social club". I don't play to be seen, or to be popular, or to look fashionable. I'm playing the game. I'm trying to win here. If I'm wearing something it's either comfortable, fits me, or serves a purpose. One of my favorite outings I played at a "high power" field in BDU's with one of the purposes being so the regulars would underestimate me. That, my friends, is multi-purpose camouflage.

You know who I respect? A guy who rolls into the lot, unpacks and preps his gear and doesn't brag about his stuff. He hits the chrony before the game starts, talks about the game and not how good he is at it, and tries to help some of the new guys he may be next to. He plays a strong game, doesn't rub a win in anyone's face, tries to learn from a loss, and just wants to play the game. Mostly, it's someone who isn't playing to earn my respect. And I can respect that.

Just play the game, get over yourselves.

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