Intelligent design explained

This isn't meant to be the "usual fare" of this blog, but it was so brilliantly written that I want to share it. I didn't write this, it appears to come from "The Abstract Factory", a somewhat annonymous grad student, who everyone is crediting for this piece. It's actually a very brilliant piece of writing. Let the flame war commence.

-Tyger

Intelligent design explained...

Moderator: We're here today to debate the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des---

(Scientist pulls out baseball bat.)

Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?

(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate's kneecap.)

Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!

Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound; and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn't mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the "naturalistic" explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.

Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!

Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis implausible --- it just is. Your knee must have been designed that way!

Intelligent Design advocate: YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT!

Scientist: I surely do not. How can we know anything for certain? Frankly, I think we should expose people to all points of view. Furthermore, you should really re-examine whether your hypothesis is scientific at all: the breaking of your kneecap happened in the past, so we can't rewind and run it over again, like a laboratory experiment. Even if we could, it wouldn't prove that I broke your kneecap the previous time. Plus, let's not even get into the fact that the entire universe might have just popped into existence right before I said this sentence, with all the evidence of my alleged kneecap-breaking already pre-formed.

Intelligent Design advocate: That's a load of bull**** sophistry! Get me a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order, and we'll see how that plays in court!

Scientist (turning to audience): And so we see, ladies and gentlemen, when push comes to shove, advocates of Intelligent Design do not actually believe any of the arguments that they profess to believe. When it comes to matters that hit home, they prefer evidence, the scientific method, testable hypotheses, and naturalistic explanations. In fact, they strongly privilege naturalistic explanations over supernatural hocus-pocus or metaphysical wankery. It is only within the reality-distortion field of their ideological crusade that they give credence to the flimsy, ridiculous arguments which we so commonly see on display. I must confess, it kind of felt good, for once, to be the one spouting free-form bs; it's so terribly easy and relaxing, compared to marshaling rigorous arguments backed up by empirical evidence. But I fear that if I were to continue, then it would be habit-forming, and bad for my soul. Therefore, I bid you adieu.

Paintball Films revisited

One of my private passions is snowboarding. I didn't go last year, but I think that has a little something to do with major surgery just before the season started. But that didn't stop me from going to the Warren Miller film last fall.

I just got back from this year's offering from WME, "Higher Ground". All in all, not bad. I hoped for more, but it was a few hours filled with pow, face shots, and scenery that was really cool to see. I hoped for more exotic backdrops, but they went for the usual suspects of high-traffic ski locations. The music was a change of pace, with very little hits and some really high quality stuff.

But a review isn't what I'm here to write.

What I'm here to talk about is the sports film in general, and how it crosses into paintball. Tonight I went to a small theater in a suburb of Chicago. Tomorrow the film goes to Evanston, then Friday night its showing downtown Chicago. Tonight's audience got to see the premiere show, and there were about 200 or so people in the audience. Easily there will be 400+ in later shows.

While watching the slow-motion footage it struck me. If there was a film about paintball, would people even show up to see it in a theater? These weren't professional skiers, we were all pretty much the weekend sliders that dream of these locations and will probably never go to Chugatch or Wiegley or Alaska. We were all there to see a film about a hobby we all enjoy.

So for paintball, what does it mean? It means that if you were to rent a theater and show ANY tournament-driven film, you'd be hard pressed to put people in the seats. Not for lack of skill in editing, or filming, but because the content STILL SUCKS! What's the most exotic tournament location out there now? Disney? Yah, right, it's all airball fields, just like anywhere else. And I've already stated that I can get the same fields the World Cup has with 3 phone calls and some money. So locations, out the window.

Show the action? Ok, they do that. It's all jump-cut montages of the break, and bunkering. Break, bunker, break, bunker, bunker, oh wait a flag run! No, wait, he's bunkering a dude. Ok, you can argue that skiing is the same. Oh wow, he's going down a run again. The lines change, and how it's presented in a storyline makes the difference. Plus between the runs they show you what the athletes go through to get to places.

That's one of the main differences. You see people in paintball videos jumping around like morons to "psyche themselves up", but you don't see anything off the field of play. You don't see the dedication, you don't see the BS they put up with, you don't get to see how they got there. It's just M-TV style "jump cuts" with badly obtained emo-rock behind it. YAAWWWW-NNNN!!!!

You know what would make a good video? Boil a tournament down to one team, follow them, and film what they do. Film the after-game crash. Film the hotel BS. Break the 4th wall; let us see what they do. Even if you set up things for sponsor issues, fine. I want some meat with my eye candy!

We could also use some real "Athletes" in paintball too. I'm not talking physically; paintball really doesn't take much physical exertion to play at a "good" level. I prove that a lot. But let's get some people who know how to work a camera, how to talk to people, how to BE a star. That's what made the movie tonight, the athletes answered questions with more than a "Yeah that kicked ass!"

Paintball is immature as a sport; we need to grow up a LOT before we're taken seriously by anyone else. It's like snowboarding was 20 years ago, except we should know better. Paintball cut its teeth on the X-games generation; you'd think the powers that be would be more savvy dealing with the sound-bite media. Or you'd think that video producers would understand how to at least COPY the skate style.

You know what? I'm going to recommend that you run out and get a few DVD's. "Endless Summer" from the 60's, "Step into Liquid" which is a modern surfer film, and ANY modern skate film. Look at what they did, and you'll understand my personal frustration with the paintball industry and its media practices!

I know that industry people read this blog. I KNOW THIS! Hey! One of you people call me and I'll be MORE than happy to share! You have my number, I know you do.

What's in Tyger's CD Player?

Paintball Sheeple "BAAHHH!!!"

(Been a while, sorry, been an "Interesting" month... But let's get on with the job of torquing people off, shall we? Good.)

The paintball industry must think we're stupid. No, actually, they probably know we are. Look folks, paintball isn't cheap. Fine, I'll even accept that some things are going to be more expensive than others. But, ya know, the more I look at what people will spend money on, the more I'm convinced that the sport is filled with fools who have to be parted with their money.

A prime example: Empire Paintball sells... a bandana. Ok, fine, a lot of paintball players want to try to look like they're "hard core gangsta" types. Fine. But, let's look at that price. $12.88. (As of 10-10-05) For a bandana. $12.88. Ok, before I go off on this, let me reassure you all that I have, in fact, seen people WEAR these things, meaning they bought it, meaning they spent $12.88 for a bandana.

Dude? $1.35, online, any color you want, done. Wanna look hardcore old skool with your Impy/Bushy/Iony/Matrixy shooting at 25 ramps per second? I'll find you camo ones too. I mean, I've seen kids with these "Empire" ones, folding them oh-so-carefully like the fate of their game DEPENDED on it, tying it around their heads like some kind of Karate Kid mojo was working for them, and then putting on a logowear baseball cap over that, completely covering the logos with another logo.

And then they think my ears and tail looks weird? HA!

You overpaid to be a walking billboard, wearing someone else's style and branding so you can be a non-conformist like everyone else. Oh, wait, you gotta buy the official "Non-Conformist" paintball jersey and gloves first, and then we'll allow you in. The more of our "Paintball Non-Conformist" gear you buy, the higher social rank you have in our official paintball non-conformists club.

Doesn't it strike anyone else as odd that paintball players will happily shell out a lot of money on clothing that's not spectacular, then whine about paint prices? "I can't believe we're paying $75 a case for RP Premium! Geez I can get this online for $20 a case if I go to... HEY our jerseys are here! TOTALLY worth the $60! Now where are my $90 pants that will rip apart when I do my first slide in them?" Hey, umm, you know you can get some kick-ass "Fox" jerseys for $40, right? And cheaper ones can be found on e-bay, if you do a LITTLE research?

You know, same thing goes for paintguns too. Every year people shell out money for the "latest and greatest" in paintguns. You know what? They're the SAME GUNS as last year, with new milling and a little software bonus. No, really, if you got your board reflashed to new software every year, you'd get the same results as buying a new gun. Well, your milling wouldn't change but the gun would operate "like new".

Then there are barrels. At least this hype has, mostly, ended. With the "4 inch freak" phenomenon, people have gotten the clue that it's not how long it is but how well it fits. (Read into that anything you want). Any yet, people still think that 21" barrels shoot further. And I guess you're right. They shoot EXACTALLY 9" further than a 12" barrel, in theory anyway. And they use more gas too.

And WHY do people still believe this crap? Because it's being marketed, packaged, and SOLD to them and we don't want to think it won't work, that's why! As consumers we don't want to think, and they know this. It's been a standard in the paintball industry for years to prey on this fact! You put pseudo-science out there, confuse people with big words, show them people winning with your stuff and with the right marketing you could sell a "Paintball-On-A-Stick" and they'll buy it thinking it'll improve their game. And once people buy into it, others will think its cool too and start buying it.

Let's take the "BT Barrel" Ok, you're cringing already. But look at the site! They show pictures promising that the balls will go forward, and curve HARD at less than 40 feet. Some people say it's just compressing the theory to fit a drawing. By that explanation, X-Ray glasses really work too because the drawing simply illustrates what's happening and not the reality. Ever SEEN someone shoot a BT barrel? To say the least, I'm not impressed. But people WANT it, and will BUY it. Why? We're STUPID! We want to believe it does what it says on the box! We want to believe that we can buy victory through technology instead of earning it through skill and dedication.

Same goes for events too. Do you realize that I could run a tournament like the World Cup? No, really, I could. If I had the money, I can rent several 10-man airball fields, get insurance, erect netting in any public area, and make a paintball field anywhere. There's nothing special about events like IAO or the World Cup OTHER than the name! The fact that they've both changed venues should tell you that. It's not like playing baseball at Wrigley Field or Fenway Park. There's no sense of history or occasion.

It's just another airball field, so it doesn't matter where it's played. And, again, through great marketing and some semblance of historical evidence that the event runs yearly, it seems better than it is. Look, airball is airball, and one-shot tournaments are all the same. Unless there are special shapes (pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes, whatever...) or courses that I can't play at my local field, I'm unimpressed. Last Skyball you know what we had? Cans, a "pyramid", a "Dorito", a few low "bricks" and some rectangular laydowns.

THE SAME THINGS I PLAY WHEN I GO TO FACTORY PB! So why go to Skyball? We're sold the word "Skydome", and players come thinking that it's a better event for it's location. The truth? That event can be held anywhere, any time, any place, and we wouldn't know the difference as players. We're idiots, in that sense. Someone could hold a tournament in Love Canal, and we'd never know the difference.

Point is we all buy the hype. We all want to believe something is more special than it is, and justify the expense of buying that $13 bandana by saying its got logos on it that makes us cooler. Or that $800 isn't so bad because we're playing a tournament in a sports complex that really doesn't care what we're doing as long as the cleaning crew doesn't need a "HazMat" suit. Or that $1500 on a new gun every year or so isn't so bad, because it HAS to be better than last year's gun.

So let me ask you this, and challenge you. Why buy the hype? Why not play with your old stuff until you need to replace it? And "The new one looks cooler" isn't a need, it's a want. Why buy into the hype of barrels and E-gun-of-the-month? Why bite when a manufacturer puts out an image of some dude looking all "gangsta" thinking that if you buy all that gear, you'll be as good or as tough as he is? The look may work on him, but it sure as hell won't make a suburban white kid look tough. Truth is you look pathetic. And somewhere, someone's laughing at you because you actually bought a bandana at over 1000% markup.

And besides, just speaking for myself, I'm more impressed with a player who uses gear that works for them, doesn't buy the latest thing on the market, and isn't afraid to look outside the industry for what they want to have. Not someone who will just blindly follow whatever hype is given to them this week. Sheeple like that, I know what to expect from them. And honestly, it's never a good outing for me if I have to deal with someone who's convinced his "LP CAWKER SHOOTS FURTHER THAN JOO PHANTOM!1!!uno!oneexclamationpoint!!!" They're the ones I want to use the cattle prod on.

To that extent, you may as well admit it. I'll be marketing a set of "goggle ears" that will fit through the grill openings of your goggles. The fronts will be black; the back will be pure wool fleece. So at least if you're going to be a mindless sheeple, you can look the part fully.

What's in Tyger's CD player now :