Cheaters in paintball. Why we hate them.

It seems the "topic of the month", wiping and cheating. Since we've all seen the ESPN video of the guy getting a 3-for-1 after wiping a hit off his hand, and then later another player made the motion but thought better of it, it's the hot-button of the week. So, fine, I'll comment.

The problem we're all having with this topic is equating it with another sport. The advocators of wiping and cheating say "It's just a foul", but they don't know what that means or how to equate it to other sports. The people who despise wipers and cheaters try to give them examples from other sports, and the pro-foulers summarily shoot the examples down saying "It's not like that!"

And, to be fair, it's not. I'll go as far as to admit that. It's NOT like taping plywood over a goal to prevent scoring, because in reality you're not preventing a score as much as erasing a point. It's not like sealing the rim of a basketball hoop because wiping is an active foul, not a passive defense of a goal. It's not like a hard tackle or a facemask or clipping, because you're not trying to injure someone else with your own body to cause permanent injury. It's not like tweaking your gear in a NASCAR race, because it's much simpler than that.

No, wiping in paintball is a culmination of all these things. It's flying in the face of the rest of the sport, and basically telling everyone else "SKROO YOU! I'm here for MYSELF to win!" Cheating in paintball is probably the most selfish act you can do on the field and its offensive to the other players. It's like masturbating during a prom date. It's vulgar, disgusting, and disrespectful.

What you're telling me when you wipe a hit is "Well, I suck rocks, and you're better than I am. So your hits don't count on me. If you're smart, you'll do the same if I can somehow put a ball on you, ok?" Doesn't that sound childish? It's like constantly asking for a "do over" when you lose. You see that in third grade, not in professional sports. Plus, you're basically wasting my time. Part of the game mechanics is "you get hit, you leave the field." If you don't go along with this basic premise, then what's the point of playing at all?

So what about the term "fouling"? Is it simply a "foul"? If it makes you feel better, call it that sure. Let's go over a "foul" in sports. A "foul" is when you break the rules to a degree, and get caught. So it's not "cheating", it's fouling. The referees stop the game, a penalty is issued, they name the player who did it over the loudspeakers, and the game moves on. Follow so far? Good, let's continue.

Now the difference. Since the game of paintball has no game stoppages, and no time outs, and no way to do replays, a wipe can change the outcome of the game radically. A player who should be eliminated and leaving the field NOW gets a "do-over". They can run up a tapeline, shoot 4 people before being stopped, and the play is often allowed to stand. Even if it's not, they can distract an opponent long enough for a legitimate teammate to do the same.

Unlike other sports, paintball won't stop if there's a "foul". A player wipes a hit, the game continues and punishment is given as they can, assuming a referee sees anything happen. They can't go back to a replay and see "Oh, well, he wiped a hit, yank three." There's simply no structure in the rules for it.

Oh yes, back to immature behavior. A paintball player gets in a refs face, "Boys will be boys". An NFL player gets into a referee's face, he's fined, suspended, and reprimanded if he's lucky. Paintball "powers that be" really don't care about the players or what they do. If they did several of them would have been suspended before the "Lone Star" incidents at the Marriott. It took a major potential sponsor to cripple their wallet before PSP took any action.

So you know why we dislike paintball cheaters? Simple. You're all selfish children. You hide your actions by pretending to be athletes and saying "It's just a foul", but in reality you're only playing the game for yourself. If I want to do that I'll stay at home and play PSP with cheat codes going. Oh it's fun to win, sure. And it's kinda cool to play the easy levels with weapons you don't get 'till later in the game, but when it's all said and done you have accomplished nothing but waste your time blowing shit up with little to no skill involved.

Same for paintball, except you're wasting MY time as well. If you want to go cheat with your buddies and call it "tournament practice", go ahead. You want to play in the woods and wipe all day, I sure as hell can't stop you. But do me a favor. Go play somewhere else. I don't want you wasting my time and money because you couldn't get your rocks off with Lara Croft last night, ok?

Good. Now go do what you will.

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