NPPL on ESPN. *yawn*

ESPN is airing the NPPL "tournament" right now. And the more I watch it, the more it dawns on me. Painball STILL sucks as a TV format sport.

Ok, all the kiddies over at PB Nation will scream and bitch, but you know what? If I didn't play paintball I wouldn't have a clue what was going on. Seriously. You know what I hear? A lot of screaming, a lot of yelling at other players "GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!" And a lot of players sitting with the occasional "blitz" move of 10 feet. Oh, and the end-game moves too, but that's almost a formality for this game.

Why are they even bothering with flags? IT's basically total elimination with the afterthought of "oh yeah, a flag." Then there's the general "lighting up" of opponents. You'd think that a kneeling opponent not facing you wouldn't need 10 shots to the back of the neck and head, do you? Oh, right, it's "xtreme" sports, so you have to "xtremely" act like a jerk on the field.

You know what? It's not working for me. I'm watching it now, and it's not doing anything for me. It's not entertaining, it's not informative, it's basically an exercise in stroking the dicks of people on the field. No, really, this format is BORING to watch, and the interviews are just stoking the egos of the "name" teams.

It's obvious to me that the teams involved here are holding back from their normal play style too. I can see the players WANTING to wipe hits, but they know they'll be on TV so they're not. Ignoring the "playing on after hit" moves, which I've been seeing a lot of. Oh, and here's one for you folks. "Stockholm Joy"?!? What, they don't have the guts to call themselves "Joy Division" on American TV? OR do they know that their name is incredibly offensive to a large portion of Jews world wide? (Do a search. I dare you.)

I also find the irony amazing in this show. See, I remember the reason that paintball got out of the woods in the first place, and into arenas. To make money, sure. But the line we the players were sold was that we had, let me emphasize this, HAD to distance ourselves from the war image. We had to get away from calling them "bullets", "kills", and blood images.

So what do I see here? Oh, wait, the announcer is saying "He got his head blown off!" and "They've got to get more kills before they can move up the field!" and "Guys are DYING everywhere!" And the popular "we kill suckers" logos all over the place... You know I remember some NBA guys got in trouble in the media last year when they referred to their finals as "going to war." I just find it funny that paintball distanced itself from the war image to just use it later when they figured it's cool again.

What's wrong with the format? Well there's no incentive to move. Other than gloryhounding, there's no reason to move up. You can win these games on "body count", and a team can win by sitting for 4 minutes. Plus with unlimited paint and 15/ramping, there's no reason to go anywhere. It's not like boxing, where two boxers circle the ring looking for an opening. It's more like... people sitting behind bunkers so they don't get hit with paintballs. Even with the "color commentary", it's still hard to follow or figure out.

No movement, you may as well show "World Series of Poker" again, it's got as much action. Sports need action, a focal point, and a way for anyone to follow the action if they're not well versed in the game. Paintball just doesn't do that. As I've said dozens of times before, modern sports needs to be understood or you won't put people in the stands to watch it. Paintball just doesn't have that.

It's a participants sport, not a spectator sport. One of these days, the powers that be will learn that. I know ways to make paintball a good TV sport, and make it interesting to watch for a TV audience. But I'm not giving it away anymore. You guys want it, you gotta pay for it.